My second letter to the Pope

Making the most of these last days of Pope Benedict XVI's tenure, I sent His Holiness a letter asking for yet another favor...

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26 February 2013

His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI

Apostolic Palace

00120 Vatican City

Most Holy Father:

It’s me again. I would like to, first and foremost, congratulate you for amending the conclave law of the Vatican, in order to allow for the College of Cardinals to gather sooner than usual. I imagine that this must be a time of great personal transition for you. I feel that I partially understand what you are going through, Your Holiness. I have been undergoing several changes and transitions in my life as well, the most recent of which is this: not long ago, I finally renewed my subscription to Playboy magazine.

I have long been a subscriber to this fine publication—for nearly as much time as I have been a confirmed Catholic, in fact. I allowed my subscription to go fallow, however, neglecting it like the field of thorns in the Parable of the Sower (Mark 4:3-10). After much unnecessary dillying and dallying, I finally renewed said Playboy subscription this year, in an effort to get my act together and to stop “forsaking my first love” (Revelations 2:4). I had been looking forward to reading the article on “The Wintering of the Arab Spring” in this month’s issue—as well as a reprinted interview with Hunter S. Thompson—so I brought my new issue of Playboy with me to my apartment’s laundry room last night while washing clothes.

I soon realized, however, that I had not brought enough quarters to dry my load of laundry. I left the magazine on top of one of the dryers and walked back down the hall towards my apartment to get more change. You can imagine my shock and dismay, Holy Father, when I returned to the laundry room to find that my beloved Playboy magazine was missing!

Why am I telling you all this, you may ask? I’m glad you asked, Your Holiness. I was wondering if you could possibly mention my missing Playboy in your next Papal Nuncio—preferably before you leave office—and make the culprit give me my magazine back. 

You see, I’m pretty sure most of the people who live in my apartment building are Catholic. There’s a sizeable Latino population in our complex. I’m fairly certain they’re all Catholic, since I haven’t heard any of that “Alabaré, alabaré, alabaré” Hallelujah music blaring from any of their apartment doors. There are some Russians who I think are Eastern Orthodox, but that’s close enough to Catholic that they probably have to listen to what you say as well. There is this one African-American family that I think is Southern Baptist, so it wouldn’t matter what the Pope says to them…but it would be racist to just assume that “the Black guy did it”, so we’ll go ahead and cross them off the list of suspects entirely. Then there is this one family from Ethiopia or Somalia or one of those pirate-countries. I’m going to be perfectly honest with you, Holy Father—I don’t know what the hell religion they are. But apart from the Somal-iopians, most of my fellow tenants are members of our beloved Mother Church. So they have to do whatever you say.

I really was looking forward to reading the March 2013 issue of Playboy, Holy Father. I barely had enough time to flip through and read a couple of the hilarious Gaham Wilson cartoons before the magazine was ripped from my clutches forever. I’m not going to lie to you—I honestly am one of those people who “get Playboy for the articles”. Especially this month’s edition—the centerfold is just a little too busty for my personal taste, and she has something weird going on with her teeth.

Please, Your Holiness, find it in your heart to call out the offending pornography-thief during your next Nuncio. It shouldn’t take long—just mention that one of our brother (or—Heaven forbid—sister!) Catholics who lives at such-and-such address has stolen a Playboy magazine that doesn’t belong to them, and could they please give it back to David, or else. Please feel free to say it in your native German tongue, if you feel it will give an extra little forceful, authoritarian “oomph” to your admonishment. I’m certain that, when the offending party hears Your Holiness say, “Du musst das Magazin abgeben!” they will be trembling in their Catholic boots!

I appreciate your help in retrieving my missing literature. Whoever the Peeping Tom or Tomasina is who secretly watched me carry the Playboy into the laundry room—and then had the gall to brazenly steal an unsuspecting Catholic’s nudie magazine—will be sorry they ever tangled with the likes of Your Holiness!

With Warmest Genuflections,

David Schmidt