Some years ago, the phenomenon of “Tourette’s Guy”
took the internet by storm. While his popularity cannot be exaggerated—Tourette’s
Guy’s emblematic catch phrases have rapidly become part and parcel of the
popular lexicon, including such phrases as “Fuck salt”, “Bob Saget!” and
“Asshole!” —few have bothered to offer a comprehensive theoretical
interpretation of this cultural icon.
In the interest of applying the same systematic
approach as has been used for scientific hypotheses, psychological theory and
Biblical exegesis, I offer here a holistic analysis of Tourette’s Guy,
attempting to unify several disparate and apparently contradictory statements
made by said Guy.
Extracockal approach to the penis
Concerning penile references and the broader category
of penile miscellany in general, the position of Tourette’s Guy can best be
described as extracockal—focused
nearly exclusively on the dick of the Other, to the exclusion of Tourette’s
Guy’s own dick.
This is far from a rigidly hard-set rule. Tourette’s
Guy makes several references to his own penis throughout the trajectory of his
career (see “Suck my dick—or cock”,
et al). When the totality of his statements is considered en masse, however, there exists a preponderance of references to
others’ penii—enough to fully justify the designation of “extracockal”.
I invite the reader to consider the following
examples:
“Calm down, calm down, don’t get a big dick.”
“Go count your dick.”
Certain ill-starred academics have decried my
evaluation of Tourette’s Guy’s extracockal posture as premature and poorly
founded. One can hardly discount, however, the overwhelming evidence which
supports my hypothesis; especially after taking into account statements such as
this one:
“I wouldn’t Google Limp Bizkit with your dick.” [emphasis in original]
Tourette’s Guy is so faithfully beholden to his
extracockal approach that he maintains it, to the exclusion of logical or
physical practicality—how is he to Google Limp Bizkit with the dick of another?
In the above statement, we see a preference for referencing the Other’s penis
which surpasses even the possibilities of biology. Tourette’s Guy opts to
reference his son’s dick (rather than his own), even when this takes him beyond
the boundaries of reality.
Indeed, Tourette’s Guy’s extracockal focus may very
well be a unique method of meditation, a form of achieving transcendence and
enlightenment through the appreciation of paradox, akin in its function to a
Zen Buddhist koan.
Alternative interpretation of the extracockal approach
A minority voice exists within the scholarly community
which advocates for an entirely different reading of Tourette’s Guy’s focus on
the “dick of the Other”. Those who adhere to this alternative position
attribute special significance to Tourette’s Guy’s admonition, in speaking to
his son, to “[not] get a big dick”
[ibid] during their venture in the supermarket.
Rather than demonstrating a transcendental
appreciation of paradox, this statement—coupled with the extracockal focus of
Tourette’s Guy’s statements—may show a deeply conflicted attitude towards penility.
Indeed, if this is taken as evidence of castration anxiety, Tourette’s Guy may
be coping with the neurotic fear by externalizing it, focusing almost
exclusively on the dick of the Other in order to deflect attention from his own
anxiety-provoking genitalia.
Apparent contradictions regarding consumer brands
As concerns the comprehensive philosophy of Tourette’s
Guy, no subject matter has generated more controversy than the Guy’s apparently
contradictory approach to consumer brands. Regarding his statements concerning
name brands, many scholars have—not without justification—thrown up their hands
in desperation and affirmed that, indeed, it is impossible to develop a unified
theoretical interpretation of Tourette’s Guy.
The contradiction which has received the most
attention lies in the stark contrast between Tourette’s Guy’s approach to
Colgate toothpaste (with tartar control) and his approach to Total-brand
breakfast cereal. He appears to wholly reject the Colgate brand, while coming
to the defence of the Total brand. On the one hand, Tourette’s Guy insists to a
customer service representative of Colgate:
“I bought your Colgate toothpaste.
The one with tartar control. And it made me feel like a piece of shit!”
In contrast, he chides his son for “talking shit about
‘Total’”:
“Don’t talk shit about
Total.”
Is Tourette’s Guy in favour of or opposed to consumer
brands? How are we to reconcile these two facts?
Despite their apparent contradiction, these statements
can easily be reconciled with one another if we take the breadth of Tourette’s
Guy’s work in its totality. While his dismissal of certain consumer brands
(i.e., Colgate) cannot be ignored, he is far from an opponent of consumer
brands a capite ad calcem. Rather, we
see here Tourette’s Guy’s fierce loyalty to the brands of his choice—and his
unequivocal hatred of brands which he finds substandard.
Selectively tempered misogyny
Some would allege that Tourette’s Guy is guilty of
generalised and absolute misogyny. Indeed, a cursory reading of his material
could lead one to this conclusion:
“I have to live in this hell
hole; all you ever do is stay at home, and play with your tits and look at your
ass at the same time!”
However, upon analysing more carefully his
misogynistic statements—in particular, those directed towards his wife,
Shirlena—we find the antipathy somewhat subdued and tempered at points, occasionally
diluted with something akin to kindness.
[TOURETTE’S
GUY]: “Wait a minute, you dick!”
[SHIRLENA]: “I
don’t have a dick, you prick.”
[TOURETTE’S GUY]: “…Shirlena? Oh, shit!”
A certain degree of remorse is evident in Tourette’s
Guy’s reaction to his wife’s statement; he appears to regret having applied to
her the moniker “you dick”. While my reading of this particular scene is
sympathetic towards Tourette’s Guy, however, other scholars have offered an
alternative interpretation of his reaction. Some have suggested that his
reaction of “Oh, shit!” is not one of
remorse for having called Shirlena a “dick”; rather, these researchers assert
that Tourette’s Guy commiserates with Shirlena for not having a dick. In the
event that this fact inspired pity in Tourette’s Guy, this would indeed imply
an inherently misogynistic approach to genitalia, suggesting an inherent belief
in the superiority of penii. Indeed, it may be asserted that Tourette’s Guy
sympathizes with Shirlena solely out of an assumption that she suffers from an
acute case of penis envy.
Perhaps the most clear example of the subdued, yet
ever-present compassion, can be found in the following statement:
“Bitch! I love you!”
The tone is conflicted, ambiguous, yet overall
affectionate in the end.
Conclusion
The academic literature devoted to Tourette’s Guy is,
regrettably, limited and extremely introductory. While this field remains
embryonic and underdeveloped, we can be thankful to modern technology for the
fact that every single moment of Tourette’s Guy’s life has been recorded for
posterity in the annals of YouTube. While the printed word may or may not
survive into the 22nd century—the works of Shakespeare, Tolstoy and
Hemingway are not ensured passage into the future—we can rest assured that
Tourette’s Guy will last for as long as digital technology does.
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